Can This Relationship Be Helped?

There are times when a relationship hits its lowest point. The people involved may wonder if their relationship can be saved during these times. Since two people always get together at their typical level of woundedness, here is what I say to the partner who has sought my help: As long as you choose to remain in this relationship, there are things for you to learn. Each partner contributes 100% to the relationship. While it is often easy to see what your partner is doing that is harmful to the relationship, it is often difficult to know what you are doing. Yet until you learn about your part in this relationship system, you will take your dysfunctional behavior into another relationship. Unless there is physical abuse, it’s generally a waste of time to leave a relationship before healing your end of the system. The time to go is when you have learned to make yourself happy regardless of your mate is doing. When you know to take 100% responsibility for your feelings and needs, and if your partner is still behaving in unacceptable ways, then itís time to leave. You need to discover how to respond to your partner in loving ways to yourself.

When the partner is available for counseling to do their inner work, one of two things happens. Either the other partner likes what is happening and becomes more open, or the relationship becomes more distant and difficult. It is a 50-50 deal - half the time, things get better, and half the time, they get worse. They need to be okay with either outcome. I encourage them to let go of the outcome and be in the process of learning how to take loving care of themselves.

Let’s take some examples. Craig is unhappy in his marriage because his wife, Gloria, is often angry and judgmental toward him. Craig sees himself as the victim of Gloria’s unloving behavior, blaming her for his unhappiness. However, Craig is an equal part of the relationship system. He generally reacts to Gloria’s anger with compliance, giving himself up in his covert attempt to control Gloriaís anger. He believes that being a nice guy will control her feelings and behavior. So, while Gloria is attempting to control Craig overtly, Craig is trying to control Gloria covertly. Until Craig starts to speak his truth rather than give himself up as his form of control, he will feel resentful and distant from Gloria. If he dares to take loving care of himself by speaking his total truth without blame or judgment and taking loving action based on his truth, then either thing will get better or worse. The only way Craig will be able to be honest, and take care of himself is if he is willing to lose Gloria rather than continue to lose himself.

-By: Warrnette Lewis

Can this relationship be helped? Maybe. Do your inner work and find out! \Feel free to let me help you by scheduling a FREE call through this link.

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